


Those Funny Feelings I Had Never Felt Before I Met You

by whovianmuse



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 01:34:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17033864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whovianmuse/pseuds/whovianmuse
Summary: Lapis takes to carrying Peridot’s gem around with her everywhere she goes, gently closed in one small, blue fist. Despite Steven’s insistence that her gem hadn’t sustained any damage in the battle, Lapis can’t help but glance down at it worryingly every few minutes, turning it over in her hands and watching as the sunlight dances along its facets and explodes into a kaleidoscope of vibrant greens and fiery yellows against the sun-kissed, sandy shore that surrounds Steven’s house. She spends half her time up here, sitting on the edge of the balcony overlooking the ocean, closing her eyes and melting into the moment, letting her hair whip around her shoulders as it dances in the salty sea air. In these moments, she imagines that there’s a little green gem sitting beside her, fingers tangled in her hair, emitting tiny gasps and sighs as dolphins breach the surface and pirouette gracefully through the air. She can almost feel the not-so-delicate nudge to her side, the prickle of a pointed chin as Peridot nuzzles into her, claiming that the view from her lap is infinitely better than sitting upright. "Why don’t we watch the sun come up, and figure out what we’re going to do with all this time together, eh, Lazuli?"





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:**  This is a work of fan fiction inspired by _Steven Universe_. Respective concepts, characters, and settings from the original source content belong to their creator(s). No copyright infringement is intended. The title of this story was inspired by the song _That Distant Shore_ by Rebecca Sugar.  
>   
>  **Author's Note:** So I started writing this immediately after "Reunited" aired in July, but then "Legs From Here To Homeworld" happened and it kind of threw off my timeline a little. And then it sat in my drafts folder for six months XD but I wanted to get this finished and posted before the Diamond Days premiere. So here it is, my very first Lapidot fic, complete and canon-compliant up through S5E24!

**• Part One •**

_It’s been three days since the Diamond War, and things are…well, as calm as can be expected after a battle between a bunch of royal and rebel space rocks wrecks your hometown, your giant murderous aunts have finally stopped trying to kill you and have accepted you as the half-organic spawn of their not-so-long-lost sister, and the bodies of two of your best friends have literally disappeared into thin air._

 

• • •

 

            Steven sits with his hands cupping his chin, staring intently at a deep blue, tear-shaped gemstone nestled on a plush purple pillow beside a triangular, bright green jewel. After all the fighting, he’d sifted through the rubble and found both of their gems, breathing a sigh of relief when he’d realized they weren’t cracked. He’d brought them inside, cleaned them up, and placed them in the middle of the kitchen table, where he thought they’d be safest.

            That is, until Amethyst came barreling in with a hankering for day-old wedding pancakes, and nearly knocked them to the floor in her pursuit. After that, he’d gently placed them on the plushiest cushion he could find, and kept them on his bedside table. He spent about 70% of his time just waiting and watching, needing to make sure that they were safe, that they weren’t alone when they finally re-formed…that he’d be there to explain everything, to tell them how sorry he was.

            “Come ooooon,” Steven coaxes, poking and prodding at their gems like a kitten kneading its sleeping parents. “Please come back, you guys. I miss you. _Pumpkin_ misses you. And I…I just…I need to make sure you’re both okay. I have so much to tell you. So much has happened since the war. The Diamonds, they’re–”

            “Don’t worry, Stee-man,” Amethyst says with an air of nonchalance around a mouthful of moldy old hot dogs. “Lapis and Peridot will come back when they’re good and ready. These things take time.”

            Steven quirks an eyebrow at her.

            “Okay, maybe not for _me_ ,” she amends with a mischievous grin, and Steven can’t help but smile.

            “Yes, I’m sure everything will be just fine,” Pearl chimes in, wincing as bits of hot dog fly onto the once-sparkling kitchen counters she’d just wiped down.

            “Although…it _has_ been three days,” she adds with a note of concern. “You’d think at least _Peridot_ would have re-formed by now. It’s not exactly like her to procrastinate, or purposely miss out on anything. You’re sure their gems sustained no damage in the battle?”

            Steven whimpers, nodding even as his eyes scan over the gems he’d checked for injuries hundreds of times now. He feels a strong yet gentle hand on his shoulder, and looks up into the eyes of his favorite newlyweds.

            “Patience, little one,” Garnet says, smiling softly. “Not everyone comes back as instantly as Amethyst. Remember, Pearl took _weeks_ with her regeneration. Every gem is different. There’s a whole world of thoughts, feelings, memories, and personality inside each and every gem, and creating a brand new form takes a lot of hard work and concentration to get it just right.”

            “Plus, Peridot and Lapis are _Homeworld Gems_ ,” Amethyst says pointedly. “So, you know…there’s _that_.”

            “Does…does that make a difference?” Steven asks, confused. “I mean, Pearl, Ruby, and Sapphire were all Homeworld Gems once.”

            “That’s true, but Steven, that was a very long time ago. After everything that’s happened, it seems like a whole other lifetime,” Pearl says with a wistful sigh. “Since then, we’ve all had thousands of years to fully experience _life on earth_. We _chose_ to stay here and protect the earth, to become the Crystal Gems, to fight in the rebellion _against_ Homeworld, to capture and subdue corrupted gems. We’ve all had our physical forms destroyed countless times now…but Peridot and Lapis are still so _new_ to earth. They haven’t had the chance to–”

            “Yes, Steven, even Lapis,” Garnet answers before Steven can even think to open his mouth. “Existing half-broken and trapped inside of a mirror for thousands of years is hardly what you’d call _living_.”

            “And Peridot,” Amethyst says, feet dangling a few inches above the ground as she casually tilts back in her chair and balances on one dangerously wobbly leg. “She spent her whole life just blindly obeying Yellow Diamond’s orders, feeling insecure about the way that she looked, and compensating with stuff like limb enhancers and robonoids and tech screens. She never really got a chance to decide what _she_ likes, what makes _her_ feel good about herself. Everything was always decided for her. Homeworld made her feel like she was defective, just because she was she was different. You and I both know what that’s like.”

            Steven nods as a wave of sympathy for Lapis and Peridot crashes over him.           

            “As Homeworld gems who’ve only ever known a life of serving the Diamonds and abiding by their twisted rules, Peridot and Lapis have never had the opportunity to choose their own appearances, something that is special and unique to them,” Garnet says thoughtfully. “They’ll need time to figure out who and what they want to be, to find a look that suits them best. So, try not to fault them for taking a little bit longer than the rest of us. When they come back, and they _will_ , don’t you worry…it needs to be on their own terms, when _they_ decide they’re ready.”

            “I know,” Steven says with a heavy sigh, wiping a stray tear from the corner of one of his eyes. “It’s not that, it’s just…I feel…”

            “You feel responsible,” Garnet answers for him, offering him a sympathetic smile. “For the circumstances that led to them _needing_ a new form.”

            “But Steven, none of this was your fault,” Pearl says solemnly, moving from the kitchen to hover over him along with Garnet. “The Diamonds have always been tumultuous and quick to violence. They destroyed entire solar systems with no regard for any of the life inhabiting them, just so they could expand their empire, and grow a species they deemed superior to all others. How could you have possibly known that they would come here, that they would start another war with us and destroy half the town?”

            “Oh jeez,” Steven reels, remembering the state of the beach littered with debris, the way the whole town had turned to chaos as the Diamonds’ ships had started to arrive.

            “More importantly,” Garnet adds, before Pearl’s matter-of-fact recounting could make Steven feel any worse. “You are not responsible for your mother’s past mistakes. You might have Rose’s gem, but you are neither Rose Quartz nor Pink Diamond.”

            Garnet kneels down so that she’s eye-level with Steven, vanishes her visor, and places both hands on either side of his shoulders.

            ”You’re Steven Universe,” she says with a smile that reaches all three of her jewel-toned eyes. “You are your own person, you make your own decisions, and you care deeply about your friends and family. You didn’t force them into battle. They _chose_ to fight alongside you for a cause we all believe in. This is our home, we are a family, and _that_ is worth protecting, no matter the cost.”

            Tears that finally, _finally_ , have absolutely nothing to do with Blue Diamond stream down Steven’s face as he wraps his arms around Garnet and buries his face into her shoulder pouf, a small smile slowly making its way across his lips.

            “Thank you, Garnet,” he whispers, before turning to face the living room at large. “Amethyst. Pearl. You guys always know just what to say.”

            “Any time,” Garnet says, adjusting her magically conjured visor and giving him her patented thumbs-up, while Pearl simply beams at him, and Amethyst offers him a puffy-cheeked grin around a mouthful of marshmallows.

            “Now, go call up Connie and do normal kid stuff for a change,” Garnet says, patting Steven gently on the shoulder. “See a movie. Share a pizza. Buy out an entire shelf at The Big Donut. After what you’ve both just been through, you deserve it.”

            “We’ll watch over Lapis and Peridot’s gems while you’re away,” Pearl reassures him. “…and deal with the Diamonds.”

            “Not that anything’ll even come up. They’re all too busy trying to figure out how to fix all the gems they corrupted, anyway,” Amethyst says with a roll of her eyes, chucking hot dog wrappers and an empty marshmallow bag haphazardly into the trash can and coming over to join the others. She fixes Steven with a wry smile. “Think you can manage a few hours of just being a normal kid?”

            “I’ll try,” Steven chuckles, grabbing his cell phone and shoving it into the front pocket of his cheeseburger backpack.

            “Oh, and Steven, there’s one more thing we need to tell you,” Garnet calls after him. Steven stops in his tracks and looks back, one foot in the living room, one foot out the door.

            “We love you,” Garnet says, her smile wide, warm, and genuine as her hands form a heart across her star-clad chest.

            “I love you guys too,” Steven says softly, the weight in his chest feeling infinitely lighter than it had before.


	2. Part Two

**• Part Two •**

 

            Out of the two of them, Lapis is the first to re-form, and it’s hard to tell which shines brighter, the stars in Steven’s eyes as he takes in the sight of her brand new form, or the collection of glittering constellations that sweep from waistline to hemline of her long, flowing dress in shades of silver and gold against a sea of cerulean and midnight blue, so vivid and dazzling it’s as though she’s swathed in the night sky itself.

            Her hair is slightly longer, but still just as wonderfully windswept as it had been before, barely grazing the curves of her collarbones as the gossamer straps of her dress fall gracefully to the apex of her arms in its new off-the-shoulder cut. A set of magnificent, arctic blue wings burst from the back of her tear-shaped gem like an ocean wave, and Lapis breathes a sigh of relief at the freedom of finally being able to take form again.

            “Wow,” Steven says, untangling himself from the giant bear hug he’d given her the very second she’d reappeared. “When you said you wanted to be a Crystal Gem, you really committed.”

            “What’s a Crystal Gem without her stars?” Lapis asks with a wry chuckle, and then her expression falls slightly. “That is…if it’s still okay with you guys? I know I haven’t been the most… _reliable_. And I guess I…kind of destroyed your uncle’s barn…after hijacking it and taking it with me to the moon. But I’m here now, and I _want_ to stay…with you…with _all of you_ , if that’s–”

            “Of course you’re a Crystal Gem, Lapis,” Steven reassures her with a sweet smile. “And not only because you were _amazing_ on the battlefield, but because…well, we’re a family…me, you, Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Bismuth…and Peridot.”

            There’s a bittersweet smile wrapped around that very last name that makes Lapis’s heart plummet into her stomach.

            “Peridot,” Lapis says softly, and suddenly, memories from the battlefield come flooding back to her like a long-forgotten nightmare.

            _Lapis,_ she’d shouted, sprinting over to her in an adorable yellow sundress, eyes wide, filled with wonder and disbelief. _You’re really here._

            She’d sounded so small, so unsure, like she couldn’t believe that Lapis was actually _real_ and standing right in front of her, like she’d given up all hope that Lapis would ever find her way back home.

            She wanted to tell her, _Of course I’m here. I came back for_ you _._

But there hadn’t been enough time. Before she could get more than a few words out, they’d all been swept up in battle. And Peridot, she’d been–

            _Reckless. Stupid. Brilliant. Brave._

            Lapis remembers the look on Peridot’s face as she’d charged at Yellow Diamond, triumphant smile fading to sheer horror as she’d been struck by Yellow’s lethal lightning, the way her form had splintered, a thousand tiny fissures scouring the surface of her skin, tearing her to pieces until she was nothing but a cloud of green and yellow dust. Most of all, Lapis remembers the fear that had shot through her heart for that split-second she’d thought Peridot’s gem had been shattered.

            After that, everything had been a blur. She was dizzy, delirious, consumed by rage and thousands of years’ worth of misery. Last time, she’d chosen to stay out of it, and look where that had gotten her. This time, she chose to fight. This time, she actually had something worth _fighting for_. She threw herself into battle, taunting the Diamonds, shouting, _What else have you got? I’ve only just begun to fight!_ like a vicious battle cry, until she’d been destroyed herself.

            And then, darkness.

            Not endless, nor crushing, like the last time, but–

            Quiet. Peaceful.

            Nothing but ocean waves underneath an endless star-strewn sky.

            Sometimes it’s safer, staying inside your gem.

            No one hurts you. No one uses you. No one leaves you behind.

            It’s just you, alone in a world of your own design.

            It can get pretty lonely, but it’s… _easier_.

            Easier than owning up to your past mistakes.

            Easier than getting caught up in another war.

            Easier than facing the reality that the one thing you cherish most in this world might be–

            Lapis shakes her head as if to clear it, eyes frantically searching Steven’s living room.

            “Where’s Peridot?” she asks with a note of rising panic. “Is she okay? Did she…did Yellow Diamond–”

            On reflex, her hands curl into fists, jaw clenched in renewed anger.

            “Don’t worry, she’s fine,” Steven says in a quiet, reassuring voice.

            Lapis breathes a sigh of relief, and a nervous laugh escapes along with it.

            “She just…hasn’t re-formed yet,” he adds with a small frown.

            “She…she’s still in her gem?” Lapis asks, and Steven gives her a solemn nod.

            “Can I see her?” she asks, taking Steven by surprise.

            “See her… _gem_?” he asks.

            “I know it sounds a little weird, but I just…” Lapis sighs, closes her eyes, and shakes her head. “I need to make sure that I’m actually _there_ for her this time. I need her to see that I’m still here, that I’m _staying_ , that I’m never leaving her again. I need to _be there_ when she re-forms, to tell her how much I–”

            Lapis falters, voice thick with unshed tears as she chokes on words she’s not quite ready to say out loud, and then amends, “…how much she means to me.”

 

• • •

 

            In a whirlwind of emotional whiplash and royally messed up details, Steven had filled Lapis in on everything she’d missed while she’d been away; the truth about his mother, the aftermath of the first Gem War that had resulted in an army of corrupted gems, the startling end to the battle they’d fought little more than a week ago, how Steven had convinced the Diamonds that _he_ was the living legacy of their long-lost pink protégé. She hadn’t meant to snort with derisive laughter when she’d found out that the leader of the rebellion had actually been a Diamond herself, but she couldn’t help it. The irony of it all was magnificent. As far as Lapis was concerned, it served the Diamonds right to have been betrayed by one of their own.

            Just hearing the Diamonds’ names, seeing a flash of their insignia, was enough to send any gem, regardless of ranking, into a state of panic. The Diamonds knew it, abused it, _delighted_ in it. Fear of the Diamonds, of what they could do to her, had always been Lapis’s driving force. Even before the first Gem War, fear had frozen her. Even though she knew it was wrong, Lapis had stood idly by while the Diamonds committed galaxy-wide genocide, invaded lush, green, thriving planets and hollowed them out until they were nothing but cold, desolate, crystalline colonies lined with lustrous steel and high-tech spires.

            But Lapis had endured far worse in her time on earth than any method of torture the Diamonds could dream of. Captured during a war she wanted no part of and imprisoned for thousands of years inside of a mirror, cracked and broken and alone, stranded on a strange and unforgiving planet so very far from her own. Trapped at the bottom of the ocean in a twisted and mutually destructive relationship, dark and bleak and suffocating. So yeah, she’d meant it when she’d wiped away a stream of second-hand tears, fixed Blue Diamond with a menacing glare, and said, _I’ve felt worse._

            And when she’d finally started to recover, when she’d finally found a home and a family amidst a planet she’d spent so long _loathing_ …the Diamonds had found a way to take that from her, too. After all, _they’d_ been the reason she’d bolted, an all-consuming fear of history repeating itself chasing her to the isolation of the moon. And there she’d stayed, locked in a prison of her own making, watching over the friends she’d made and the family she’d chosen, convincing herself that leaving them behind was the safest option, terrified and trembling and holding her breath for a threat that might never come.

            And when it _had_ …

            When the Diamonds had finally arrived like Lapis always knew they would…

            All she’d felt was _anger_.

            Lapis thinks back to that fateful moment she’d first appeared in the sky, hovering mere meters above Blue Diamond’s head like an angel of death as her ghost-like wings beat against a star-strewn, inky black expanse, before dropping the barn and a smaller-than-average-lake’s worth of water on top of her with as much force as she could muster…and a wicked smile flashes across her face.

            Sure, the Diamonds might be playing nice _now_ …and maybe, _maybe,_ if enough time passes and they prove that they’re worthy of the trust that Steven is so graciously granting them, she could find a way to forgive them for all of the bullshit they’d put her through…but they’d very nearly shattered Peridot, and right now, Lapis isn’t exactly in a forgiving mood. So after Steven gives her free reign of the house and tells her she’s welcome to stay as long as she likes, Lapis generally just tries to keep out of their line of sight. After all, she’d done her part. She’d stayed, and she’d fought. Now all that matters is protecting Peridot.

 

• • •

 

            Lapis takes to carrying Peridot’s gem around with her everywhere she goes, gently closed in one small, blue fist. Despite Steven’s insistence that her gem hadn’t sustained any damage in the battle, Lapis can’t help but glance down at it worryingly every few minutes, turning it over in her hands and watching as the sunlight dances along its facets and explodes into a kaleidoscope of vibrant greens and fiery yellows against the sun-kissed, sandy shore that surrounds Steven’s house.

            She spends half her time up here, sitting on the edge of the balcony overlooking the ocean, closing her eyes and melting into the moment, letting her hair whip around her shoulders as it dances in the salty sea air. In these moments, she imagines that there’s a little green gem sitting beside her, fingers tangled in her hair, emitting tiny gasps and sighs as dolphins breach the surface and pirouette gracefully through the air. She can almost feel the not-so-delicate nudge to her side, the prickle of a pointed chin as Peridot nuzzles into her, claiming that the view from her lap is infinitely better than sitting upright.

            _Why don’t we watch the sun come up, and figure out what we’re going to do with all this time together, eh, Lazuli?_

            Her heart soars as she thinks back on the memory, but then a seagull cries or Bismuth laughs or Pearl starts scolding Amethyst over something stupid, and it plummets right back down into the pit of her stomach as she’s ripped back into reality.

            The rest of the time, particularly whenever Steven starts getting on her case about opening up and _talking about her feelings_ , Lapis takes up Peridot’s old haunt in the bathroom, lounging in the bathtub under the steady _drip drip drip_ of the faucet, playing back snippets from Peridot’s old tape recorder just to hear the sound of her voice, and absentmindedly petting the top of Pumpkin’s head as she snuggles up into her side.

            To Lapis’s relief, Pumpkin had forgiven her almost immediately, bounding up and tackling her the very moment she’d seen her. Or perhaps she’d simply forgotten Lapis had ever been gone in the first place. Lapis grimaces as she muses that it won’t be nearly as easy getting Peridot to do the same.

            _Of course it won’t_ , her subconscious scolds her. _You abandoned her here_.

            Lapis groans and sinks further down the bathtub’s wall, only to realize she’d gotten herself stuck in an even _more_ uncomfortable position. Not that any position in this god-awful bathtub could be considered remotely comfortable. But this is apparently where Peridot had stayed for quite some time after Lapis had left, drowning her sorrows in a never-ending stream of depressing country music and incoherent groaning.

            Lapis frowns as she thinks how miserable and lonely Peridot must have been. Probably about as miserable and lonely as _Lapis_ had been without _her_. And she’d done it to herself. Lapis shakes her head, dismissing the thought. Her throat constricts with welled up tears as she clutches the little green gem in her palm, willing it to take form.

            But still, nothing happens.

            So she waits.

            And waits.

            And _waits_.


	3. Chapter 3

**• Part Three •**

 

            It’s been two weeks since she’d re-formed, and Lapis is _fed up_. The bathroom door swings open with a crash as Lapis comes storming into the living room, Peridot’s gem grasped tightly in her hand. The rest of the gems, who’d been watching Steven and Amethyst scarf down breakfast with varying degrees of horror and interest, snap their focus to the sudden intrusion, and five sets of eyes widen in concern.

            “Uhh, Lapis?” Steven asks tentatively. “You okay there, bud?”

            Lapis whips around to face him, anger flashing in her eyes.

            “This is _just like her_ , the stubborn clod,” she says to no one in particular. “I’ll bet she’s only staying in there out of spite.”

            “Hey now, it’s okay,” Steven says in an attempt to assuage her. “Remember, these things take ti–“

            “What do you _want_ from me, Peridot? What will it take to get you to come out and forgive me?” Lapis practically shouts, the venom in her voice at odds with the gentle way she’s cradling Peridot’s gem in the palm of her hands, staring down at it beseechingly.

            Steven hops down from his chair at the kitchen table, ready to break up the impending fight, but Garnet stills him with a reassuring hand placed on his shoulder, and shakes her head.

            “Let them say what needs to be said,” Garnet cautions cryptically, and Steven nods once, confused but ever-trusting of Garnet’s judgment.

            “Are you _that petty_ that you’re _actually_ going to make me say it out loud?” Lapis asks, lower lip quivering and eyes crinkling as she stares down the little green gem.

            “Fine!” she says, huffing out a frustrated sigh. “I made a mistake, okay? I regretted leaving the _moment_ I broke atmosphere. I thought that taking the barn and everything in it would be enough, but it just wasn’t home without _you_. I spent _every single moment_ that I was away missing you. I missed that annoying little high-pitched mad scientist laugh of yours. I missed tending to our farm and watching all our vegetables grow. I missed making music and meep morps with you. I missed marathonning Camp Pining Hearts with you…the way you’d throw popcorn at the TV screen whenever Percy kissed Paulette…I even missed your _insufferable_ rants about all the reasons Percy and Pierre were _objectively the best for each other._ ”

            Lapis pinches her nose in an attempt to mimic Peridot’s voice, and can’t help the smile that crosses her face as she does.

            “I miss falling asleep next to you,” she says, voice growing softer and gentler as each word sparks another memory. “I miss holding you close and keeping you calm when it rains and the thunder gets too loud and gives you nightmares about the cluster. There’s no thunderstorms on the moon…it’s just quiet, and cold, and lonely. Nothing ever happens. Nothing ever changes. It’s just… _still_. Nothing was ever _still_ on earth. Not the seasons, or the trees, or the vegetable patch outside our home. And _especially_ not you. I kind of started to like that.”

            Lapis heaves a quiet sob, a dejected sigh.

            “I miss the way you bugged me like _every two seconds_ to check in on me and make sure I was okay. All you ever did was try to protect me, even if it meant shoving down your own feelings or outright lying to me. And it was annoying as hell and I hated every second of it, but _I miss it._ And maybe the reason I hated it…or, I don’t know… _pretended_ to hate it so much was because I just wasn’t used to someone actually caring about me for once. It’s terrifying, letting someone get close to you, when all your life, all you’d ever done was try to shut the whole world out. It’s terrifying when someone knows you so well, knows how broken and fucked up you are, and wants to stay by your side anyway.”

            “But you did. You stayed. And you never left, not even once. Out of everyone in this miserable old universe, you’re the only one who _truly_ knows me. You were the only one who ever saw through my bullshit façade of pretending not to give a shit and realized that the _actual problem_ with me…is that _I feel too much_.”

            By now, she’s more than a little aware that everyone’s eyes are fixed on her, that they can hear every word of this impromptu declaration, that her intended audience might not even be able to hear any of it at _all_ , but she no longer cares. She’s tired of pretending.

            “I had something so wonderful and so perfect and so _pure,_ and the idea of losing that scared the hell out of me,” Lapis confesses, voice wavering as tears threaten to break her resolve. “I didn’t realize just how much it all meant to me until…until you were almost…”

            A blinding yellow light. Tiny cracks forming across the surface of her best friend’s skin. Fragments bursting into a cloud of bright green smoke. One moment she was there, fighting beside them all, laughing and shouting and boasting about her exceptional launch, and in the next moment, she was gone.

            The memory of it overwhelms her.

            “I thought Yellow Diamond had shattered you,” Lapis whispers. “And I…the thought of you being gone forever…that scared me more than anything.”

            “I spent so much time being afraid…of the Diamonds, of the Crystal Gems, of getting caught up in another war, of my _own feelings_. I spent so much time terrified of the _very idea_ of being trapped again, that I abandoned everything I ever cared about and built a prison of my own making on the moon. I’m a self-fulfilling prophecy,” Lapis says as she breathes out a shaky laugh, closing her eyes and pressing Peridot’s gem to her heart.

            “I ruined everything. I ruined _us,_ ” Lapis says softly, dipping her head down to press her lips against the top of the little green gem as she clutches it to her chest. “And I know we probably can’t go back to the way things used to be, but…I’m going to do whatever it takes to earn back your trust. I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry. Please come back, Peridot. _Please_.”

            Lapis heaves a sob that masquerades as a sigh, tears silently streaming down her face. She turns to face the room at large and is met with five sets of glistening eyes and encouraging smiles, each conveying their bittersweet solemnity better than words ever could. Her eyes lock momentarily with Steven’s, before glancing back down at the little green gem cradled in the palm of her hands, willing it come to life.

            But it remains as still as ever.

            …until it doesn’t.

            A single tear dances down the curve of Lapis’s cheekbones and splashes onto the surface of Peridot’s gem, igniting it like a broken curse. The little green gem glows brighter and brighter until its blinding light fills the entire room, casting the walls in brilliant shades of yellow and green as it rises from Lapis’s outstretched hands, suspended in midair.

 

• • •

 

            Her hair is what changes the most. For all the time Peridot spent worrying about where she’d put the star once she became an official Crystal Gem, it never occurred to her that she could re-shape her hair. Where it was once flawlessly kept in a perfectly-pointed triangular style, it’s now tousled and untamed, a short pixie cut that sticks up at random angles like it’s been zapped by several thousand volts of electricity, but still somehow manages to come to five very distinct points in the shape of a star. Her visor is gone, revealing a pair of bright green eyes and a smattering of freckles in the shape of tiny golden stars dusted across the bridge of her nose.

            The top portion of her brand new outfit features the same v-cut design as it had before, but instead of bearing the Diamond’s emblem at its base, it now kisses the crown of a magnificent five-pointed star that wraps around the front of her torso, its design outlined in multi-colored triplicate as it fades from buttercream yellow to deepest evergreen. Garnet smirks when she sees it, flattered that her long-worn style had inspired Peridot’s new look.

            But Peridot hardly notices, eyes wide and fixed on the gaze of the beautiful blue gem standing in front of her. An emerald blush spreads across her star-kissed cheekbones as Lapis’s eyes rove over her new form, assessing what’s new, what’s different, which little change she likes most of all. Her lips curve into a smile when she notices the distinct absence of yellow diamonds adorning Peridot’s knees, replaced instead with twin golden stars atop a pair of dark green gravity connectors.

            Lapis freezes when Peridot’s eyes lock onto hers, and with an embarrassed jolt, she realizes that she’s been staring for far too long, that it’s been three whole minutes since Peridot re-formed, and she still hasn’t said a damn thing. Hastily wiping stray tears from her eyes, Lapis rearranges her features into what she hopes is an air of casual nonchalance, and says what is possibly the dumbest thing she has ever said in her entire existence.

            Peridot’s eyes narrow.

            “Hey,” she repeats, deadpan.

            Lapis swallows thickly, a sapphire blush prickling the apples of her cheeks.

            “ _Seriously?_ ” Peridot shrieks, her voice rising to an impossibly shrill decibel that makes Pumpkin whimper and run for cover.

            Lapis winces.

            “That was the wrong thing to say, wasn’t it? You’re made at me now,” she muses, her features pinched into a regretful grimace.

            Peridot’s eyebrows rise so high they practically disappear into her hairline. Her mouth falls open, almost comically so. For a moment, she’s stunned to silence. And then the floodgates burst open.

            “OF COURSE I’M MAD,” Peridot shouts loud enough to make everyone but Garnet jump in surprise, her hands balled into tiny green fists, shaking at her sides.   “You disappear for _months on end_ , taking the barn and _all of our morps_ with you, leaving Pumpkin and me behind to just... _deal_ with the devastation of losing the first home we’ve had since coming to this stupid, wonderful planet…and then you just show up out of NOWHERE and drop _our barn_ on Blue, get POOFED in the biggest battle of our LIVES against the clodding DIAMONDS...and when it’s all over and we finally get our forms back, all you have to say to me is _HEY?!_ ”

            Logically, Lapis knows that Peridot is absolutely right. Logically, she knows that Peridot has every right to react this way. Logically, she knows that she can’t fault Peridot for having not heard a single word of her heartfelt speech. She’d only just come back into existence a mere five minutes prior, after all.  
            But with all of these conflicting emotions bubbling up inside of her, waging a war between her head and her heart, with all of her anger at the Diamonds, guilt over abandoning ship, and bashful vulnerability over having spilled her heart out to the tiny green gem now standing in front of her, fuming and heartbroken and calling her out for all of her screw-ups, the logical side of her brain doesn’t feel like cooperating at the moment. So instead of just owning up and apologizing like she’d been planning and rehearsing for the past two weeks, she does the worst thing imaginable: she gets indignant, and defensive, and retreats back into the shell she’d worked so hard to break free from.

            “It’s not like I didn’t _ask_ you to come with me!” Lapis retorts with a frustrated sigh. “I planned our _whole escape_ around making sure we had everything _you_ wanted. _You_ were the one who insisted we take Pumpkin and the barn and _all five seasons_ of Camp _fucking_ Pining Hearts with us. I did this for _you_ , Peri. I did it for _us_.”

            “You didn’t _ask_ me,” Peridot scoffs, a low, feral growl prowling around each syllable as she barks out an incredulous reply. “You just _decided_ , and expected me to go along with it. Don’t pretend like you did all of this for me. You never stopped for a _second_ to ask me what _I_ wanted, or how _I_ felt!”

            “Why didn’t you just _tell_ me, then?” Lapis bites back, deep blue blotches painting the pulse points along her neck and collarbones as her temper rises. “Why did you lie and say you were okay with it?”

            “ _Because_ ,” Peridot snarls angrily, lips poised around a venomous retort about _walking on eggshells_ and _letting the past die_ and how stubborn and unreasonable Lapis can be. But before she lets herself go too far and say something unforgivable, she cuts herself off, shoulders slumping in defeat as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath to steady herself. When she looks back up into Lapis’s eyes, there’s no trace of anger or resentment there, just wistful longing.

            “Because I didn’t want to upset you,” she amends, voice softer than a whisper. “I wanted to make you happy…even if it meant that I _wasn’t_.”

            Lapis falters, breath hitching in the back of her throat.

            “But I couldn’t just leave it all behind,” Peridot continues, tone stronger, more confident, as she fixes Lapis with an imploring stare. “The life we’ve built here on earth, the family we became a part of…that _means_ something to me. And before you left, I’d thought…well, I thought it had finally started to mean something to you, too. The barn and all the stuff we kept in it isn’t what made this place home. _You_ and Steven and Garnet and Amethyst and Pearl and Bismuth, and Pumpkin and Connie and Greg… _they’re_ what make this place home. And what you were asking me to do…it wasn’t _fair_. You were asking me to choose between losing them and losing you. You were asking me to choose between two halves of my home.”

            Lapis releases the breath she’d been holding, caught somewhere between a sob and a sigh as tears prickle the corners of her eyes. Her whole body deflates, all of her anger and sadness and defensiveness melting away with each breath she takes.

            All this time, she’d thought that Peridot was simply too young, too new, too naïve to truly understand the severity of the threat the Diamonds posed over all the little underling gems scattered across their expansive empire. But Peridot hadn’t been foolish or reckless or too emotional for her own good. She’d been _brave_.

            All this time, she couldn’t understand how Peridot could be so bold, so defiant in the face of something so terrifying. Lapis had thought that she was doing the right thing. She had thought that she was protecting them. But everything she’d done, she’d done out of cowardice, out of impulse and fear, out of a selfish need for self-preservation. She’d run away in attempt to save _herself_ , while Peridot had chosen to stay and fight for the _greater good_.

            “I know,” Lapis chokes out around a heavy sigh. “I know, and I’m sorry. It was wrong of me to make you choose…to just up and leave like that.”

            “I was just so scared,” she breathes, just barely above a whisper.

            “Of course you were. I know what you’ve been through, Laz,” Peridot replies, her tone as dulcet and soothing as the warm mugs of cocoa Lapis always used to make for her whenever there was a thunderstorm.

            “But we’re a team,” she continues, the corners of her eyes crinkling ever so slightly as her lips quirk up into an encouraging smile. “We’ll protect each other. That’s what family _does_. I’m _proud_ to call the earth our home. I’m _proud_ to be a Crystal Gem. And being a Crystal Gem means fighting to protect what you love. The life we’ve built here…it’s like nothing I ever knew on Homeworld. Isn’t that worth fighting for?”

            The look in Peridot’s eyes as she talks about her home, _their home_ , and all of the things she loves so much she’s willing to sacrifice everything just to hold onto them, is so bright, so hopeful, that Lapis can’t help but smile back down at her.

            “Of course it is,” she says, without missing a beat. “Why do you think I came back?”

            Peridot’s face breaks out into the biggest, goofiest grin that Lapis has ever seen, and a hint of deep blue rushes back into her cheeks at the sight of it.

            “And you’re really back…f _or good_ this time?” Peridot asks, hesitant and hopeful all at once, as though she hardly dares to believe it, lest she get her hopes up again.

            “Yeah,” Lapis says confidently. “This is my home. And I’m not leaving home ever again.”

            Lapis feels the equivalent of a tiny brick wall collide into her open arms. It knocks the air from her lungs, but she smiles all the same, wrapping her arms around Peridot’s shoulders and holding her close. Peridot nuzzles her face into Lapis’s neck, breathing a sigh of relief and quipping out a muffled, _good, because I missed you, you big, beautiful clod,_ against the fabric of Lapis’s dress.

            Lapis chuckles softly, heart jettisoning into her throat as Peridot makes a series of contented hums and sighs that vibrate against her ribcage and make the tips of her fingers twitch and tingle. She reaches up to gently card her hands through Peridot’s hair, delighting in the little shiver it sends down the green gem’s spine. As if led by instinct, she places a finger underneath Peridot’s chin and gently lifts it up to meet her eyes.

            “And by _home_ , I mean _you_ ,” she confesses as she places her lips ever so softly against Peridot’s, capturing her in their very first kiss. Granted, it’s a little difficult for her to maintain that kiss, since Peridot is smiling so hard beneath her lips. Lapis giggles, reaching up to gently cup the side of Peridot’s face in the palm of her hand, effectively pulling her closer.

            And all at once, it’s not just the two of them anymore. A burst of blue and green light erupts all around them, glowing like the embers of a bluebell flame as their forms change shape, fusing into one. Lapis and Peridot let out a gasp as they stare down at the same set of outstretched hands, skin the color of an arctic glacier that’s been kissed by mint. The second odd thing they notice is that their shared vision is slightly obscured, and with a startling jolt, they realize that Peridot’s classic visor has made a comeback, glinting in the early morning sunlight that pours through the living room window as it rests against the bridge of their button nose.

            Their hair is whimsically wild, cut to the curve of their pointed chin in brilliant shades of turquoise and teal, flaring out at gravity-defying angles like magnificent crystals in an underwater grotto. The hem of their long, flowing dress cascades over their bare feet like an ocean wave, split on one side up the length of their thigh to reveal a pair of dark teal leggings underneath. It’s a perfection combination of the two of them, its sweetheart neckline mimicking the top portion of Peridot’s form, but with Lapis's off-the-shoulder gossamer straps. At its heart is a bright turquoise star with the ghost of a rainbow in pastel hues of aqua and seafoam trailing behind it in a burst of vibrant color.

            Amidst an array of surprised gasps and jaw-dropping stares, Steven giggles as he realizes that their fusion’s star looks suspiciously like the production logo for Camp Pining Hearts, and makes a mental note to introduce them to some better TV shows. For all this time, they’d forgotten that they weren’t alone, and the sound of Steven’s laughter jolts them back into reality. The tentative smile spreading across this new fusion’s lips falters, and a look of overwhelming panic overtakes her. A whirlwind of conflicting emotion grips them both, and their combined form fractures until they’re two separate gems once more, staring at one another with mingled looks of shock and surprise.

            “Oh my stars,” Peridot panics, jumping about a foot away from Lapis as though she’d just been burned. “Lapis, I am _so_ sorry. I didn’t mean to just–”

            “No, no, it’s okay,” Lapis reassures her, stepping forward to close the space between them. “I _wanted_ to.”

            “Really?” Peridot asks, her voice so small, soft, and unsure.

            “Yes,” Lapis insists with a lighthearted chuckle.

            “It’s just, after Jasper, I figured–“ Peridot starts.

            Lapis reaches out for Peridot’s hand, lacing their fingers together and giving her an affectionate squeeze. Peridot stares down at their entwined hands, dumbfounded.

            “This is different,” Lapis says simply, offering Peridot a small smile. “This time, I fused for love.”

            Peridot beams up at her, eyes wide and full of wonder.

            “So,” she says slowly, a deep green blush settling over the curves of her cheekbones, illuminating the collection of tiny golden stars scattered across them.

            “Do you…maybe want to try that again?”

            Lapis giggles.

            “Sure,” she says, her smile warm and genuine.

            And before Peridot can say anything else, she’s been swept off her feet, caught by the waist and dipped backward with a graceful twirl, both of them giggling as Lapis leads them in their dance. Peridot reaches up to kiss the tip of Lapis’s nose, just before the two of them are swallowed up in a dazzling glow of blue and green light.

            The new fusion hums cheerfully as she settles back into her brand new form, adjusting her visor and running her hands through her hair, over the straps of her dress, and down her form-fitting leggings, exploring and taking note of everything that’s changed, everything the two of them have created together. A pair of liquid wings the color of tropical waters bursts out of the back of Lapis’s gem, eliciting a delighted shiver from the new fusion. With a curious smile and a flick of her wrist, she summons Peridot’s tech screen, which flies immediately into her outstretched hands.

            “I have metal _and_ water wielding powers?” she exclaims with an air of impish excitement, lips twitching up into a mischievous smirk. “Cool.”

            A resounding _whoop_ issues from the back of the kitchen, and the new fusion turns to find Amethyst and Bismuth grinning like madwomen and cheering them on. Steven is jumping up and down with so much enthusiasm he’s practically shaking Pearl, who merely rolls her eyes as she casts them an amused smile and says, “Ugh, _finally_.” Garnet beams at them with pride, her smile wider than they’ve ever seen it.

            “So,” Steven says brightly as he walks toward them, stars shining in his eyes. “What should we call you? You’re gonna need a name.”

            The newly fused Lapis and Peridot think on that for a moment, and then–

            “Turquoise,” she replies, her smile radiant. “Yes, that feels right. I’m Turquoise.”

            “Hello, Turquoise,” Garnet says as she walks across the living room and places her hands in theirs. “Welcome to the fusion family.”


End file.
